World’s Stage- Extension of My Death Practice, But with a Big Picture Twist…

You’ve heard about the Great Awakening, the birthing of New World, the “Second Coming” or Ascension etc. etc. What I have been telling my clients for over 10 years now, besides remaining grounded, is that it will also take an equal but opposite Descension. Descension into the self. Going into the SUBconscious. Descension into Shadow. Descension into the lower chakras to become aware of, to transmute, to purify and Integrate. And then doing so with the higher parts and all of the dimensions of your being. Like an eternal development of as above, so below back and forth. Generating energy of personal power stemmed in transmutation, emotions, and self-expression are the conduits of this process.

How does this relate to global happenings? Transformation is death and rebirth on inner scales, sometimes playing out externally, but often an internal phenomenon. One arena of transformation is ego death. We know this. Death is at the center of transformation as at its core, requires one to let go. To surrender to what is. In previous posts, I have shared my proactive practice anchored in “death”. I have advocated volunteering to go toward and through what you fear within before it needs to come to you on the “outside”. To proactively face your worst fears. How, though I have had practice, it remains difficult for me so I can understand if it’s intimidating, but you’re not alone and it’s really important work. It can change the outcome of the world in fact. I want to share how, but first I must confess something.

When it came to facing the possibility of endangering or letting go of my family and facing the transition we’re all currently in politically, I could not do it. My soul asked me to stay grounded in the U.S. and, since my family is international and interracial, the thought of them being at risk overwhelmed my system. I was waking up daily in dread and anxiety attacks. Perhaps it was a missed opportunity to come into my power. Perhaps, I made an agreement before incarnating to partake is self-sacrifice, again. Or, perhaps, I was breaking a pattern of martyrdom.

You see, my whole life – and orientation to it – has been sacrificial. I remember being four years old and understanding that I was here on this planet to “help carry the load”. I understood that I was taking on prolific baggage that the adults couldn’t bear themselves. I was on a mission to “save the world”. My family wasn’t really my real family and that I knew I could transmute whatever I was helping with when the time came. I couldn’t verbalize it, but deep down I understood that I was a psycho-spiritual Maestro, an alchemist, and that one day I would be able to transform anything life threw at me as a child.

So, when my parents left us with a new babysitter and her husband came home drunk, I chose to sacrifice. You see, when he walked through the door, I saw a black energy “ring” around his head. Somehow, in that “Light” there was information. I “read” that he was intending to molest one of us that night. I could tell. For one, I had already been violated as a three-year-old and so I recognized the vibe. But the ring was very telling. As a result, I waited to see where he would lie down. In their home there were no beds. Just mattresses on the floor and sure enough he laid down beside my sisters. In my young mind I was determined to protect them. I had already gone through it and didn’t want them to, so I pushed them aside and martyred myself again.

I was good at self-sacrifice. My Mother modeled that extensively as and adolescent mother, she didn’t have much support escaping domestic violence or any life challenge for that matter. Her parents were distinctly checked out. So, I watched her submit herself to victimhood just as so many other generations have before her. One of my fondest memories of her was when I tried helping her “escape” her dissociated husband.

Her smile was so sweet. So genuine. The glow of maternal love in her crystal blue eyes -- that I scarcely saw again -- was brilliant, impassioned and was beamed into my eyes then heart. The moment felt eternal and within that moment I knew she loved me beyond the situation and forever. At first, I thought it was because I was such a good helper. When she grabbed my hand and we ran to her room, she closed the door just in time to keep him from coming in. I felt proud I was able to keep up with her. Then, in the room, I put my back to her bed just like Mommy did and stretched out my legs toward the door too. Only, of course, my feet did not reach like hers did. And then the banging began.

The sound was so loud. He was beating the door to get in, but I don’t remember feeling afraid, because while the holes were being formed by his fists, my Mom caught my attention. Her smile made all of the noise and chaos melt away. Time slowed down even until the instant he broke through. After that there was nothing I could do to help her or my newborn sister. He hit her a few times and threw her on top of our baby. My Mom protected my sister by letting him focus on her as she struggled to adjust her weight off of her suffocating child. My mind goes blank after that, but I know this wasn’t the first or the last time my Mom felt she had to succumb.

I share that to demonstrate the level at which, by four, I was trained to submit myself to a sense of powerlessness. This theme has dominated my life, but after the ’25 election, however, I was done doing so. My country was now run by the Shadow, and I felt done submitting myself to my situation. I decided to take my children and get the hell out. I did my time my whole life. I have tried to warn people around me, my community, and the masses since before 9/11, but especially after. And could only relate their response to that of the people throughout the fable of Cassandra, the trojan princess blessed and cursed with foresight.

So, I finally gave myself permission to be self-centered. I am still not sure I kept my soul agreement, but on the human level, I didn’t care anymore. After all of the work I have done, all of the sacrifice and how hard I tried to be of service without being seen or heard by people, ratified by Life or allowed to go public with my Soul-mission by Spirit, I felt deeply betrayed. Yes, this may have ultimately been sourced from weakness. I am aware that I may have to compensate for this choice in the future, but for now, I am playing my role from afar and far more gently. This is my way of loving myself first in a fashion that I have never before.

That said, I am still doing gridwork, Shadow integration, and taking clients. Oh, and, except for classes I may offer, giving away all of it for free. In fact, these writings are my contribution too. So, I have not given up but I have chosen to recover, rest my nervous system, and heal my body. I am learning to embody accepting what is as it is while showing up however I am called to. And trust, leaving was not easy. Being ripped away and displaced is a hollowing feeling I would have preferred to avoid, but after the third lockdown only a month into my son’s sophomore year in high school, I resolved that just this one issue wasn’t worth living out our lives in the U.S.

The torment after leaving is still apparent, however. Like survivor’s guilt, living in safety has felt all consuming to some part of me; maddening even. I care about my friends and community back home. It doesn’t shut off. And even though I do what I do from afar, it’s taking strength to heal the dynamics I advocated against and the energy of fear within me related to the perceived abuse that’s been happening in the U.S. When facing an abuser and protecting children, often the only recourse for safety is to, carefully, leave the dynamic. Once safe, healing the wounds that led us there is crucial. And when you heal yourself, you change your world. I know that now.

When I was young though I was heart-bent on saving the world. I sensed that I would be a party to the ending of the world. I wanted to prevent it but by ten years old, again going toward that which most run from, I was doing everything in my power to will myself to death. My life and mentality were misery based and I had been so programmed in the Christian narrative that being in “heaven” with Jesus sounded saner and more sensible. So I closed my eyes, sobbing so profusely as I prayed for God to take my life. I remember slipping away. Then awaking in, what now may have been a lucid dream or near-death moment. Long-story-short, I saw the earth destroyed and a voice telling me to, “Look no further.” Then, when I reached “heaven” a being of immense, white-golden light -- shapeless yet somehow humanoid -- approached and said,

“Don’t worry, everything’s going to be okay.”

I returned to this life and the suffering was gone. I felt a peace I had never encountered before and I knew, to my core, that we were made of light. I left that dimension and knew I was a being of light and -- due to religious influences -- I assumed it was Jesus with whom I spoke. Years later I reconsidered this. Anyway, I was back in business. Yes, life was still very difficult, but in my heart, I loved humanity still and recommitted to its awakening.

 At first, it was just my family of origin, mostly my Mother, that I tried to inspire. To shake and scream awake. Her depth of victimhood was too profound, but I remember yelling,

“Life doesn’t just happen to you. You also happen to Life!”

I would offer her teachings that were beyond my years. I would predict her “failures” and try desperately to get her to believe me. It didn’t seem to matter. To this day, I feel like I am playing out this pattern. Like Cassandra I repelled people by being a know-it-all.

Years later, I would hear the term “Starseed”, and the whole lore would make everything clear for me. I was no longer alone. In this phase, we’re more pronounced than ever, but do I feel like a savior? Yes, but only of myself. Have I made a dent in the raising of vibration of the world? Yes, most of us have who are committed to embodying transformative love. But did I prevent the violent escalation in my country, no.  I have failed it seems, but I have also seemingly saved my family from that very escalation. So, it goes back and forth. What I recently found relief from “survivor’s guilt” and from the sense of life-mission failure was to face what I have thought I came to this Earth to prevent, its unyielding end.

It happened recently. I visited the gaping, insecure hole in my chest and I sat with it. It was also a sense of being burned by displacement and of powerlessness, still, I surrendered. I faced the sense of impending devastation and destruction. I felt into the end of the world. I noticed how I was aligned to it and relieved myself of all of the emotions which that would catalyze. I grieved it and let it go. In that session, I told that part of me, “If it is our end, let it be one permeated with love, good deeds, and gratitude." Just like before, when I surrendered to my children’s potential death and experienced Grace, I bring myself to that space with this as well. I am committed to doing this as many times as it takes as I am sure these feelings will cycle around again and repeatedly. Each time, I’ll be doing my best to remember to surrender.

How do you approach fear and fearful situations?