“Expressions, Impressions, and Delicious Treats…” Random Inkling: The Sun

When I was young, as for many, circumstances were difficult. I pined, yearned for other than what was happening to me. It brought me to my knees. To ancient memory. To relating to Jesus and other entities other than most other people I encountered. From a young age I took up “talking to Godd[1]” It was one of my only solaces. And at some point, the Sun became my focal point during these end-of-day conversations. I wouldn’t pine to the “Sun” so much as wonder and cry. Just explain my side of the story and wrestle with what was.

Not having a best friend, the daily sunsets would take companionship’s place. Every night, I would climb a tree, if I could, and watch the sunset. I would find myself deep in a dreamy depth if that makes sense. The time was for me and Godd alone. Well, ok, there was the tree and the sun too of course. But I didn’t see them separate from the receiver of our tête-à-tête. They were all partaking in the colloquy.

One of my favorite memories of this ritual was just after my Grandmother died. I had moved again, but this time the house was sweet. It even had a lovely Aspen tree in its front yard. Very climbable with the perfect "bench-branch" and view of the sunset. I was reflecting on my Grandmother. The strained relationships she created with her own children that passed down so viciously to us. The confusion at not being sadder about her passing. The sadness that she was gone because of what it did to my Mother. The ick and angst at the toll it was taking on me acting as my Mother’s 13 year old in-house therapist. I convened and communed with the Sun as Godd about it all.

Then something warm and positive floated through my mind about how much my Grandmother liked ladybugs. That felt good. Her personality mattered. She was human after all. She had good in her too. She had a sense of humour and, though war-torn, she was sharp as the hell. She managed to escape from her own life. It arguably made some things worse, but I can't blame her for batteling for her own freedom. So, I began to talk to her too. “Grandma, if you’re listening, I love you. I didn’t really know you much at all and I have been bitter toward for what you’ve put my Mother through and how it’s affected my sisters and I. I don’t know if Ill be able to forgive you, but I hope to understand you at some point. I miss you and be always grieving for an elder in my life, but I m glad you’re in a better place.”

Just then, a ladybug. She flew at me first. Then on my hand. I cued in as she walked along my index finger. “Hi Grandma! Hi!” Wow, this was so lovely, so ethereal. I was in a dream momentarily. Spiraling the sweet bug around my hand, I felt her. The sunset seemed to match the experience. I don’t remember much after that except a sense of freedom, fulfillment, and the magic my time with Spirit my brought to me that day.

Since then, my relationship with the Sun has only grown in heart. It feeds me. It hears me. It knows me more than I know it. I still get happy to see the Sun. I ask the clouds to open just to say hi. I still meet the sun with the same exultation I had when I parted with my grandmother and the Sun still hold me in a dream.

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[1] The double dd reflects that the Creator is simultaneously both genders and the whole spectrum of embodiment.