Too Much, Too Fast: What Manifesting Money Can Say About Worthiness…

For years I lived in a town that was thankfully unashamed and very transparent about its unhoused population. I am proud of the balance of humanity and standards the community embodied to service that population. As a briefly, yet deeply impacted unhoused child myself, I appreciated the city not hiding them away and pretending like they didn’t exist. In fact, my city had crises support programs that other states in the nation wished to emulate. The city acknowledged its shadow and did its best to manage it. It did then anyway.

So, when a dear friend and I went out for some tea we decided to have our drinks and conversation outside, there was nearly the entire economic strata of people passing by. That’s when, early in our chat, a man approached asking for money. It all happened so fast, but just before I grabbed my money, I noticed his shadow. Just by the disassociated look in his eyes and un-cared-about appearance I could tell he was carrying some deep seeded traumas. Midsentence I felt compassion for him. I confess, within nanoseconds, I transferred my own experience as a child and tried to compensate for the utter lack of support we received then and reached for a $20 bill instead of my change.

Normally, I don’t reach for anything before I “check in” with divine intelligence when deciding, first off, whether or not to give at all. If I get a “yes” then I ask, “how much?” I don’t get in my head. I don’t rely on my programming. I don’t reference human morality, nor do I choose to be inhumane and technical to decide whether to give. It’s not about me. I don’t center myself, I check in with that person’s energy, with the whole, with the “big picture.” You see, there is a greater source of intelligence that we can access that has a better, wiser, more profound perspective. So, one of the few things I assume in Life is that there is more going on in this world that I can even possibly perceive. So, giving is almost always situation-dependent and what Spirit wants. For the record it’s usually a “yes,” monetarily, or otherwise.

In this case admittedly, I did not check in, but I did see a need and sincere request. The issue arose with how much I gave him. When I handed him the $20 it shocked him. He stood up, leapt back and “crashed out.” It was staggering him. He couldn’t understand why I gave him that much. He placed the cash on the table and waved the money away. But he didn’t go away. He sat down with us and struggled. He really needed the money. He mumbled, “I just thought maybe some change.” He fought with himself. He was triggered by my decision. And I could feel it all. I knew I’d need to contain him.

I could sense his inner workings. Fighting against the demons that were actively discouraging him from accepting the money. Only he knows what negativity was attacking his thoughts, I could tell that he wanted to lash out. To externalize his discomfort and the battle ensuing within. I gave him more money than he expected. More than what he thought he deserved. This was probably a drastically different offering. I was communicating to him that he deserved dignity. So, all the unworthiness that he carried, for who knows how long, rose to the surface. I believe his core beliefs were challenged by one “kind” gesture.

You see, he likely tried to kill off that part of himself. The part that knows it’s worthy. That would demand dignity and suffered from the opposite. The part that seemed to be powerless to the circumstances as a child. That innocence that never doubts it is deserving. But killing oneself completely is not truly possible.

Yes, humans are astutely capable of the abandonment, compression, and/or amputation of parts of themselves that they needed to in order to survive their situation. Still, Life will always offer recovery. Unlimited chances to come back to ourselves. It comes in small, indirect ways and in direct ways not so small. That day he was remembering, reconnecting to innocence, and it was agonizing. He wanted to dispel the discomfort, to hurt someone. I promptly began to talk him down.

I was fortunate that I had de-escalation experience, but what’s more fortunate was that my friend was a practicing therapist and so we successfully kept us and others around us safe. The man calmed down, took the gift, and left. I did see him a year later around the same area, but his face and demeanor were changed. Lighter and more present. He was actually smiling. I was delighted to see him that way, however, I still think about what I took away from that day.

Interestingly, an epiphany came through about the process of manifestation. Ultimately, the incident may have been a metaphor for what I unconsciously believe about the mechanics of manifestation, but it’s thought-provoking nonetheless and I want to share it. I understood that everything is process oriented. We can want unlimited things in life, but nearly every object or idea requires a transformation, especially money. If we have any hang ups about our worthiness they will be catalyzed.

If we ask for something, seek it out and we have wounds about it, consciously or not, and the desire arrives without delay, it could raise our frequency too fast and trigger the wounds at such a pace that the discomfort becomes unbearable. This is why we externalize. Why we become physical. Why “hurt people hurt people.” The emotional energy that courses through can be overwhelming and it needs to go somewhere or to be managed. To be expressed via some pathway. Some cry, scream, write in their journal, create art, speak about it, some meditate, pray, and seek stillness, others attack.

When we have fear-based, lower frequency beliefs and take a leap instead of a step up from where we are energetically towards our desire then navigating the difference between the two points could equal in its intensity. In other words, if we are at level two in skill or life circumstance and we want the “prize” that one gets at level ten then the arc can be progressive or it can be a bootcamp. It depends on how fast we wish to get there. Either way we choose the Universe will support us so, I tell my friends now, somewhat jokingly, beware of synchronicities they don’t always land in good-feeling experiences. It may be what’s best for us, but it can be difficult to move through. That said, the leap, though frightening and uncomfortable, can be thrilling and rewarding; especially if it’s based in authenticity.

  The truth seems to be that we are constantly in process thus constantly manifesting and vice versa but trying to consciously create is on another level. And I forced the Process on that man. I “manifested” for him more than he could handle. It was a bio-electrical overload. It’s like giving a whole meal to a person who has been starving. It seems like a good thing, but it can kill them. When it comes to being intensely broken and wounded, we must consider where we or another is at and which path is best. Do we tear off the bandage, (plaster), or trickle in change? Again, either way is allowed, but what do you prefer?

Most of my life I have been torn through things. Through decisions and experiences. Having the rug pulled out from under me growing up. I internalized the dynamic. There is good that came from it however. Being impulsive can be because you’re attuned to your intuition or instinct. This experience taught me to begin to consider that I don’t need to live like that so much anymore. That I have the right to take my time. It also taught me to see the underpinnings of transformation and honoring processes. That healing worthiness and that slowing down is essential.

Being slow and still allows for more conscious decision-making and since then I have yet to forget to check in since then with offering help. I have been working on staying grounded about my own desires. I am still learning and making mistakes as I have a lot to understand and that will never end, but questions I now ask myself before believing in something and acting on it are, “Is that true? Does it have to be true?” and “Will taking action be too much too fast?”