"Let go of your attachments." - My "Death" Practice, Round Two...

*Read part one if you haven't already*

If you're interested in transformation and psycho-spiritual healing then you'll hear this at some point, "Just let them go." One of the greatest challenges is letting go. Especially, if it's a close loved-one. And before I share my "how" just know that, like all other things, it's an ever-existing practice. The spiral of life is never-ending. Sometimes the themes we seem to transcend we come back around to eventually. But transcending levels IS real and very possible. Here's my experience...

Facing my own personal mortality has been routine and it's probably the same for you. And most people have fears about losing their life, but especially their loved ones. Goddess knows parents do. I was blissfully unaware of how overwhelming that piece could be as a parent. I couldn't believe how much more mental load there was in trying to simply keep my toddler from knocking himself off.

But beyond the daily circus antics, my toddlers weren't different than others. Until my daughter arrived...

Pregnancy is difficult for me, life-threatening even, but with my sweet daughter it wasn't as hard as it could have been. And her homebirth was pretty amazing. I was in my power and transcended labor pains. She came out in the water and I watched her float for a moment just to take in her majesty. Her breast crawl was beautiful and strong. Her head covered with silky black hair. Her eyes were smokey quartz-like but purple with hints of brown. What was most impressive was how dense she was despite being only 6-ish lbs. She was heavier than her two year old brother!! She was my sweetheart and such a beautiful creature. I was looking forward to the fourth trimester magic with her.

Two weeks into staring at her for what seemed like hours at a time, I noticed the ridge on her head was not smoothening out. If you don't know, sometimes, a newborn's head is molded into a funny shape coming though the birth canal. Typically it evens out on its own over some time, but not two weeks. I called my midwife and she suggested we take her in to our pediatrician.

I was devasted. They told us she had Craniosynostosis and cutting a LONG story short, she'd needed intensive surgery on her skull at three months young. I still struggle with the decision I made as now, at 14, there are still abnormalities in her head shape and, what's more, she has learning delays that likely stemmed from the anesthesia.

Beyond a Mother's regrets it was mystical.

Two nights before her surgery we had a profound communication. Believe it or not, she was well aware of her circumstances. Our Souls spoke and with my best attempt of reassurance possible we traveled to await her surgery in a hotel near the children's hospital. The next morning I couldn't bring myself to hand my sweet baby over to the surgeon so, my husband brought her in. He returned with empty-handed except with a story to share. He said that our newborn made the nurse cry. She looked into the nurses eyes and rolled herself over.

She gave herself over to the nurse.

And it was so precious, conscious, deliberate that it touched her. The nurse said she had never seen a baby do that before. Despite the beauty of that moment, a part of me wishes I put all of this to a stop. Did she really have to go through something so traumatic for her? Like, on the Soul-level was this supposed to be a part of her path or did I abandon her because I was naive and insecure in my mothering? Still, it felt bigger than me so I let into trust.

In my process, I was reminded of a knowing I had had years before...Children come through us but the belong to their Soul. She and I already came to an understanding so it was her time, it was between her and her Soul. So, I let go...again.

Even still, this was only the base level of letting go.

Our lovely little-one made it through. I was so grateful she decided to stay. However, it was just the beginning of recovery. Challengingly so, she was developmentally delayed, taking two years to even walk on her own. She also did this thing...

She'd stop breathing on airplanes.

At 18 months we decided to move back to Pacific Northwest from the Midwest. I was to head out with both our children first while my partner closed up the house we owned. Our flight had one stop in Salt Lake City before landing in Oregon. On the first leg out the kids finally felt tired enough to nap. I was relieved that they'd be rested in time for our stopover. Only, when I looked down, I noticed my daughter's color looked kind of funny. She was developing dark rings around her eye and mouth and her breathing was faint.

So, I called the attendant over.

She immediately called for a doctor on the plane.

Unfortunately, there wasn't one. So, before she went to get an oxygen machine we both agreed to try to wake her. I stayed remarkably calm and unattached, deeply present, while I rubbed her chest and back while sitting her up and it worked! Still, we were met at the gates by EMT's. She checked out but we were not allowed to get on the next plane until we were seen by a doctor. So, here I was alone in a new city with two toddlers so close to our new home state figuring out how to see a doctor. Due to lack of choice, I went to the nearest Emergency room. The doctor was dumbfounded. She seemed just fine to him. It was as if nothing had happened. I was kind of glad because I was so ready to rest. We barely made the next flight and finally reached our new stay.

I wish I could tell you that was the end of my first daughter teaching me about letting go, but it isn't. No one could figure out what had happened to my little one. So, for three years I hoped that whatever it was, she grew out of it. Especially because we had a trip back to the Midwest planned. I was looking a bit forward to my Mom and some of that side of the family meeting my children again but...

You guessed it, it happened again!

We landed and I was desperate to know what was happening to my child. Her pediatrician back home had no answers, but the paramedic did. He said that he actually saw something like this before. High-altitude sleep apnea. This was the first I'd heard of this condition, but having a direction to go was a blessing desire the stress of another episode.

Being that we had just landed and she was cleared again and the paramedic said she should be ok to fly back we continued our family vacation. Still, I checked in with pediatricians there, but they couldn't see her in time. All I could do is try to enjoy our visit.

And enjoyed it we did. My little-one did fine. She was happy and healthy the whole time. And though I was cleared to fly home, I felt nervous. Sure enough, her breathing was not deep enough. Although it didn't play out like an emergency, she didn't lose color, for example, she breathed more shallow than normal. Seeing that I was nervous, my thoughtful five-year-old asked what he could do to help. I told him that if he took a nap, I could be more focused on his sister. This matters because he ended up playing a part in his sister recovering.

And here's where some of the mystical came through...

As my son fell asleep, I tried to wake my daughter despite having a sense she wouldn't. So, I took a deep breath and noticed that she was breathing better, but my son was now jerking when he breathed in. It's as though he was sympathetically taking on his sister's condition. This gave me a moment to close my eyes and remembered that I have influence too.

Being that my background is in intensive multidimensional healing and one of the corner stones in this type of transformation is 100% personal responsibility. So, I went into one of the most focused states I have been in so far. I decided that if this condition had anything do with me, on any level and in any way, that I would do what I could to take my energy out of the equation. So, with a laser-like focus I repeated the following I had learned from the venerated Dr. Hew Len's work...

"Whatever in me created this I heal it now"

I couldn't tell you how long I was in a meditative state, but it didn't take long before I was in for a purge. I felt my Being sink deep into my body. I felt a tunnel open up as I repeated the mantra increasingly intensively. Suddenly, I felt an urge for the bathroom. I had never had "flux" on a plane before, but it came out with speed which is good because I wanted to be with my children undoubtedly. I scooped up my sleeping daughter, and she seemed better, so that was impressive, but not enough. And as I realized this, a memory of an Australian news broadcast came flooding into mind.

There was a couple who were experiencing a still-birth. They were felled of course but stood in grace. They asked to spend time with their baby before they took him away. For two hours both parents held, cried over, and then began to speak to their departed child.

They first accepted their child's passing. They thanked him for the time they had with him even though it was relatively short. They then found joy. They began to describe the life they were excited to share and create with him. How he would've had siblings and who his siblings were going to be. What home life was going to be like and all the adventures they had in heart awaiting their newest little-one.

Then, the implausible happened.

About at the two-hour mark, the baby came back to life! The doctor went into a disbelief-induced shock, but no one could deny what had just happened. As this story washed over me, I realized that I had a choice. I could be as brave as that other Mother and thank my child then let her go. So, I took a breath, looked down at my baby, smiled and thought.

"Well, at least she'll go peacefully in her sleep."

Then, as though a heavy blanket was lifted, she started breathing normally. And blame it on grace, but I was not shocked. I was pleasantly surprised and noticed a part of me was in disbelief too, but the rest of me felt like a smiling sunrise. This was our true nature. I embraced death again. She was freed from my attachment to her, and it saved her.

Still, upon my return home we had a sleep study done on her. She passed with all "normal" results. Years later, we were to take another trip to visit family only this time it was overseas on an 18-hour flight. The human in me brought an oxygen machine with me just to be a responsible parent, but my heart knew it was unnecessary. Sure enough, nothing happened.

To this day, at 14, our daughter has not had an issue breathing. She is still challenged by delays as she still struggles with retention. But she's here and she is still magical and with each new phase of life and development, I continually to periodically practice letting her, my other beloved family members, and my life go. And you can too.